Schools, Schools, Schools

Covid was a rough time for everyone, but it was really devastating to what it has permanently done to our children’s future. Like everything else in the lives of a parent of disabled children, we got the extra benefit of the situation being worse for us than anyone. I know people hate it when they hear me say this but if you are not in our position you don’t have a clue how good you have it in comparison. If your car has four gears, our cars have five that is just how it is, and if you don’t believe that then you can switch places with me any day of the week and see how you do. No this isn’t meant as a bash fest to NT parents it is just the obvious truth that people fully understand but have such a hard time admitting to themselves. The truth is some of us don’t have that end in sight with their children growing up and moving out to have an empty nest, we have a full nest until we are gone. We also have struggles literally everyday for things others don’t have to think of. My choice of struggles I am going to talk about today is school struggles, and the struggle is real.

A few years ago I thought to myself, how do I really help my children and children like them, so I thought about the school system. Now I wasn’t going to go back and get degrees in education or anything like that, I am too old and have a family so I wasn’t going to start over again. Many of you know I work with the disabled so I already help in a certain way but it also isn’t something that would help them directly so I thought there has to be something else. Well one night I was watching our public access Chanel and I found that there were a few openings on the school committee so I looked into it and decided to give it a shot. There were some resignations so these positions were appointments and not elected positions so I wouldn’t be out collecting votes. I went to a few meetings and expressed my interest, but when it came to a vote for the open positions, I wasn’t picked for one of the two open positions. I was sad about that but I was ok with it, you can’t win them all. It actually came down to a tie breaker.

I had let the thought go until about seven months later when there was an actual election and there was very little interest in filling the the positions. I was approached by someone in town that didn’t think the tie breaker was fair and asked me if I was interested in running, so I reconsidered. I ran as a write in candidate and I was elected to an open seat. I was very excited because I actually received a lot of votes which was really a surprise, although a lot of people know me in town. The other members of the committee welcomed me with open arms and this began my term on the committee. I have to say I enjoyed my time and I learned a lot I didn’t know, but the most important part was I was making a difference in the lives of children. By the time my term ended I was vice chair which made me very proud because the other members trusted in me.

Now last year during Covid it was difficult to say the least because we had to decide whether to have the children in remote or hybrid. Meeting after meeting all summer long, and a late spring of failed remote was not helping the situation. The thought was that remote was rushed so if we could plan for it, then that would be better, I had my doubts, and I still think in the end our children have lost a year they will never get back. People don’t really realize that we were literally having to decide something that could hurt children, and that we had to have it in our conscience if something bad happened. It was a lot of stress and it was a lot of long restless nights. In the end because of being able to distance six feet and the ventilation was pretty good we went with hybrid. I can tell you the union fought that to no end because they wanted full remote, and it wasn’t just the district, it was the state as well fighting us. We had a strong committee so we were not willing to give in because we knew it was best for the children. the thing is most of us had different backgrounds and expertise but we all worked very well together.

By the time summer was over and we were solidly into the fall, the two a week meetings, and the late meetings were over, but it left me exhausted. During this same time I was also opening a new branch office in a new state at work so I had zero free time and I was burnt out. During this time my wife and I were also fighting for out of district placement for my son because he desperately needed it. I let her handle most of it because I was on the committee and I didn’t want a conflict of interest. The fighting got pretty bad so in the end I resigned my position a few months before my term was up because I felt really weird fighting with the district I was on and did not want to be accused of using my position as a means to get what we wanted. Trust me when I tell you the district wasn’t playing favorites and they were not giving in. I will get into that story in another post but it is still going on six months later. The whole fight has been over a year, close to a year and a half. Just as the district wasn’t giving in nether were we, and we have 12 years of experience so it has been a prize fight. I am not sure they have been up against parents like us, but they will sure remember us. We didn’t give up for our daughter seven years ago so we were not going to give up on our son. She got what she needed and so will he.

The advise I would give others is don’t get pushed around, don’t give up, and go in loaded for bear. You have to be prepared and you have to come in with experts and paperwork from them. Even then it is still hard but at least you have a chance. Know your rights and fight for them, your children’s future depends on you. If you don’t understand the law, learn it, and know it. If all else fails get an advocate or a lawyer if need be. My wife and I fight on our own most of the time because we can, but if you are not equipped to do that get help. Look to be honest, the schools can’t just give up expensive services to everyone if it isn’t required, but if it is and you can prove it fight for it because no one is going to be nice and give it up. This is actually a good life lesson, going with the flow and just trying isn’t good enough, you have to go in armed for battle and fight until it is won. No quitting, and no quarter given because your children need you.

My Reasons Why

 

I know I am a little behind the times, and most people have already watched the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why, but since I am crazy busy I just finished watching it. I thought overall it was really good just like a lot of other Netflix programming. Yes, they did go a little overboard at a certain point for the viewing audience, but in general it was not showing you anything that was not real.  We could debate that it isn’t possible for everything to happen to the same person, but every reason is definitely possible. Children these days are very rough on other children if they are different, and it has been that way for a while now. I will say I have seem some good stories out there where one child will stand up for another, and there is more awareness out there, however it is not where it needs to be when it comes to treating everyone as equals. I will say up front I don’t think I would let my young teen watch this show primarily because of the last few episodes, but for adults this show is a good watch so that they might really see what does go on whether they want to admit it or not. Social media has also made things much worse than it used to be.

I know that schools have been coming out in opposition of the show saying it glamorizes suicide , but I totally disagree. They did not glamorize the act itself, they were simply painting the picture of what does in fact go on inside schools today. I think that there are two glaring examples brought up that are particularly bothersome to schools. The first one is that some of these bullies get called out and get bullied them self. No doing the same thing you don’t want others to do is not generally  the right thing to do, however when it comes to bullies I have zero tolerance. I also think that sometimes to stop a bully you need to put them in their place and that was done a few times in the series. The second issue is that the school did not do all it could to stop things, and were more worried about their reputation and their wallet. In my never humble opinion the schools need to do better and that is that. If they do not actively try to prevent bullying then they deserve what they get. Sweeping things under the rug to save face can’t be tolerated anymore, out children’s lives are literally at stake. I know they have mandates and laws to follow, but alerting parents of what you suspect should never be illegal or against the rules.

Being a parent of two autistic children I can tell you that the situation of bullying and suicide scare the hell out of me. If you are the parent of a disabled child you should be very worried because the lack of good parenting and personal responsibility runs rampant through society nowadays. The not my kid, my kid wouldn’t do that attitude is a common fixture in this day and age, and it is only getting worse. Sometimes you can outright prove that a child is a bully and their parents will still deny it. They will often say that it is just kids being kids and it is no big deal. I will honestly admit that I have said the if a child bullies my child and nothing is done I am going to bully the parents even if I get myself arrested for doing it. The schools will always say we can’t tell you where the child lives, but For me if that were to happen in the small town I live in I just need a name and I will find out where they live pretty easily. Let me tell you that scares the hell out of a school but I honestly don’t care if they are not going to do anything and the parent isn’t going to do anything I will takes things into my own hands. Yes I may try the police first but after that I will handle it on my own, this is how serious this issue is.

I would not surprise me at all to find out that there were a group of children bullying another child, and also that they banded together to protect themselves and cover for each other. It also wouldn’t surprise me that none of them would have any compassion or even think they did anything wrong. I also wouldn’t be surprised that they would all say that they didn’t tell the other child to kill themselves so it isn’t my fault. It also would not surprise me to see other children who witness things not to come forward because they were afraid to get bullied themselves. I would however expect school staff to do a better job if a child came to them saying what the girl on the show did in the last episode. I understand there are legalities but when a child comes to you to tell you that they were thinking their life meant nothing they would do better. I would think that when a child told you another child has possibly hurt and assaulted them that you would at the very least call a parent. To tell a child who was practically begging for help that if they didn’t want to press charges you couldn’t help them and they had to just get past it is nothing short of negligence to me.

While I was watching I kept thinking that if Clay had done a better job at showing his feelings early on that Hannah would have not done what she did. He did try but by the time he did the damage was done and too late. I know some think that It is impossible that Hannah would make the same mistakes over and over again by trusting people, but I can see it happening. Sometimes in life you just think things will get better and that the next person is going to be different. I have been in a bad place like Hannah was and when you are there you grasp for any possibility that someone will help you, and care about you. The truth is that there are a lot of mean people in this world, especially kids in school, and they are not willing to care about you nor help you. There are great people in this world and there are people who would go out of their way to help, but unfortunately most children have not learned that skill yet so they are not like that.

So to cap this off I did like the show and I think that it is important to demonstrate real life situations to the public. The best way to advocate for something is to get the cause out there to as many people as you can. We in the autism world know this better than anyone because we live it. I urge all parents to watch this show, and if you have any idea your child is being bullied that you take action, and that you do it right away. I urge you to not let up with the school until they do something to keep your child safe. I urge you to go to the police if nothing is being done because relationships with other parents and the school pale in comparison to losing a child. I honestly would not care if my entire town hated me if I could protect my child. There is a time and a place to play nice and get along, but this is not one of them. Get into beast mode and protect your child their very life depends on it.